literature

Craig Hoffman Stalks Meg?

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June 10th (night before performance at the Showplace Arena)...




The Griffin family arrive at an Executive Inn and Suites hotel around 3:00 in the morning, tired, exhausted, but happy because they delivered the most electrifying and outstanding performance of a lifetime. Their tour bus pulls up outside of the Executive Inn and Suites parking lot. Luckily, everyone is asleep and there is no commotion
or crowd to mob the the family. Chris carries his Gibson Les Paul guitar in with him, because like Dethklok's Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Chris plays random guitar chords like
there's no tomorrow, and at 15 years old, Chris can play like a pro...




Lois: "Okay, kids, you wait here while I go get our room."



Chris: "Boy, I hope we're right next to the swimming pool!"


Stewie: "Oh God, yes, last time we went to get a room, we had to drive off because it was ransacked and there were two dead people in the floor of the shower..."


(What-if sequence referencing Rob Zombie's "The Devil's Rejects..." Stewie comes into the bathroom to take a leak, not paying any attention to Gloria Sullivan and roadie Jimmy dead and mutilated beyond recognition on the shower floor...)



Stewie (turns around and sees the sight): "That does it, I'm outta here."


(Back to the Executive Inn and Suites)



Lois: "Well I managed to get a room indoors right where the swimming pool and hot tub are. If anyone gets hungry, I think there should be a coupon book on the TV."



Peter: "Sweet, I wonder if they deliver this late at night? (browses) Holy crap, they do! (goofy laughter, calls Domino's) Hello, Domino's? Could you send over five large MeatZZa Feast pizzas to the Executive Inn and Suites Hotel? Our room number? 213... How long will it be? Thirty minutes... Okay, see ya then."



Brian: "I had no idea Domino's Pizza was opened this late. Come to think of it, I haven't had anything to eat since we left the Monroe Civic Center. Hey, I'm gonna step outside and smoke. You want me to keep an eye on the pizza delivery guy, Peter?"



Peter: "Yeah, go ahead, Brian. I'll just be sitting here watching the tube... Holy crap, VH1 Classics!"


(Peter Griffin sings along to himself when he sees a classic hair metal video by Poison, featuring the song "Fallen Angel")


Brian lights himself up a cigarette and enjoys the balmy summer night air, letting his thoughts drift and getting lost in himself...



Brian: "Man, it's a beautiful night... (inhales, puffs cigarette) Perfect night to see a random girl skinny dip at the hotel pool... (tail wags happily, grins) Well, speak of the devil... I'd like to do that hot blonde piece of ass. (Brian's cell phone rings) Hello? Oh, hey King, what's up... Wait, Quagmire is where?"


King Diamond: "Your roadie Quagmire and your other friends Cleveland and Joe just took a wrong turn and ended up in a whore house somewhere in Baltimore.  But don't worry, me and my band mates picked them up and now we're on our way. Say, how are you holding out on liquor n' everything?"


Brian: "Just like Quagmire to do something like that. Ummm... I think Meg needs some Fuzzy Navel wine coolers and I think she may need some Skyy Infusions Passion Fruit Vodka. Okay... sounds good... See ya soon, King."



In adjacent bedroom within the Griffin family's hotel room, Meg is taking a hot, refreshing bath and listening to Metallica's "Unforgiven," singing to herself and enjoying a cranberry/pomegranite juice cocktail. Pan to Chris who is laying in his bed, playing random guitar chords, unplugged, and resting. Meg slowly submerges herself in the tub, letting her long hair get wet and feeling all the stress and tension in her body melt away... Outside, Brian watches for the pizza delivery person to arrive, and they do...



Brian (to Pizza Man): "Hey, what's going on, buddy?"


Pizza Man: "Pretty good, dude. Let's see, five large MeatZZa Feasts, hand-tossed crust, that's $62.50."


Brian: "Here's $100.00, keep the change. (Hands him a $50.00 tip) Here's a little tip for you, my friend."


Pizza Man: "Hey, I appreciate it, dude. Have a good night."


Brian: "You, too. (to Peter and the others) Hey, guys, Pizza's here!"


Stewie: "It's about bloody time, I don't think those stupid Gebert Graduates were doing a damn thing for me."


Meg gets out of the tub and dries herself off. After having relaxing and de-stressing herself, she's feeling okay. She puts herself on some fresh night clothes and wipes the steam off her bathroom mirror, when unexpectedly, she sees Craig Hoffman's reflection in the mirror and screams in shock.


Meg: "Craig!? How many times do I have to tell you, I'm so over you?!... (Turns around, sees nobody... to herself) Oh God... I thought the idea of going on tour with my family would help me get away from Craig, but his stupid voice keeps rining in my head. I need a drink..."


Lois (off-screen): "Meg, are you alright, honey?"


Meg: "I'm fine, Mom."


Chris left his Gibson Les Paul guitar on his bed in his sister's room which he is sharing with her. Out  in Peter and Lois's room, King Diamond, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe have made it to the Executive Inn and Suites successfully, thanks to the Stephen King of Metal himself. Everyone is in their night clothes, having pizza, chatting, b-s'ing, etc.



King Diamond (pleasantly, to Meg): "There she is."


Meg: "Hey, King, what's up?"


King Diamond: "Not much, just thought I'd stop by and hang out with you guys. I'm in the room next door to you, in 212 if you want to hang out with me and my other band mates. Oh, Meg, I got something for you... (hands her a bottle of Skyy Infusions Passion Fruit Vodka) Brian told me you were running low."


Meg (squeals with delight): "Oooh, thanks, King!"


Quagmire: "Oh, Meg, I got something for you, too. (Hands her a pack of king sized Jolt Colas) I know how much you like Jolt Cola, so I got you some of these while we were in Baltimore."


Meg: "Thanks, Mr Quagmire... Say, where were you at earlier?"


Joe: "Meg, Joe found what looked like the Executive Inn and Suites, but it was actually a whore house. We wouldn't have gotten here if it wasn't for King."



Cleveland: "Here, Meg, I got you a gallon of Aristocrat Vodka. Wasn't really all that expensive, just $15.00 bucks. I wouldn't drink too much of it tonight, though.



Quagmire: "Joe, I said I was sorry, it just looked like a hotel."



Joe: "Quagmire, don't worry about it."



Quagmire: "Oh, come on, I feel so guilty about getting us lost. Come on, let's go have a drink with King Diamond and his band mates."



Joe: "It's no trouble at all, Quagmire, really."


Quagmire: "Meg can bring her vodka with her when we go over to King's room."


Joe: "I SAID DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!"


(Silence)


Peter: "Um, okay, who wants to finish off these pizzas and get totally wasted?"


Joe: "LET'S DO IT!"


Everyone in the room digs into pizza, booze, and snacks. Meg takes into her room where her and Chris are sleeping, a couple of big slices of pizza and ice from the cooler to put into her cup so she can drink her Skyy Infusions vodka. Meg turns the TV on in her bedroom to watch some NCIS. Chris is having fun watching some music videos with his father, while Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire go over to King Diamond's room to b-s for a bit. Lois comes into the room where Meg is, concerned...


Lois: "Meg, sweetie, are you okay? When we came here earlier tonight, you were happy and feeling great, now... You look like something or someone is stressing you out."


Meg (gulps her Skyy Infusions Vodka): "I'm... I'm fine... I (starting to slurr) I think Craig Hoffman's stalking me..."


Lois: "That boy who turned you down so many times because he thought you were unattractive and then you said you were so over him?"


Meg: "That'd be the one, Mom... I think I saw him in my bathroom mirror... Could you check to see if he's not hiding in there?"


Lois: "Okay, honey... But I promise you, nobody, not even that horse's ass, Craig is stalking you, if he was, he'll have me to answer to."


Lois inspects the bathroom, only to smell the sweet scent of herbal essence shampoo and body wash and feeling a faint moisture hanging in the air where Meg had taken a bath previously. She looks all around the bathroom and finds nobody.


Meg: "Well? Was I seeing things or was he in there for real?"


Lois: "There's nobody in there, Meg... I promise you, Craig Hoffman is not stalking you. You may have been working a little too hard, that's all. But you listen to me, if you think anyone is trying to get you or hurt you, you come to me, okay?"


Meg: "Yeah, maybe you're right, Mom. I think I have been working too hard."


Lois: "I love you, honey." (gives Meg a hug)


Meg: "I love you, too, Mom." (hugs her back tightly, feeling a sense of security and relief)


Lois: "Meg, can I have some of your vodka?"


Meg: "Sure, let me get you a cup out of the bathroom... (returns with a plastic-wrapped cup baring the hotel logo) Here you go. Oh, you want some of my ice?"


Lois: "No, that's okay, I'll get some in the cooler."


Meg: "Let me pour you some of my vodka... I hope you like passion fruit."


(Pours Skyy Infusions Passion Fruit Vodka into her mother's cup)


Lois: "Thanks, sweetheart... Goodnight, Meg."


(Lois leaves the room, letting her daughter drink and then rest)


Meg drinks half way through her bottle of Skyy Infusions Vodka and gets totally intoxicated...
The night before their performance at the Showplace Arena in Upper Marlboro, Maryland... Has Meg been working too hard, causing her to have a hallucination of her former love interest Craig Hoffman appear in her bathroom mirror or is he stalking her for real? Note the Slayer song reference in this one I've been writing. Special appearance by King Diamond... :)




This is part of "The Family Album" episode that I am working on for Family Guy... :)


Seth Macfarlane, you are allowed to use this.


Family Guy RULES!!!!!! :headbang:



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